What is that really?
How many times in my life did I get the comment, ‘Anita, let go!’
Except from developing allergic reactions to that sentence, nothing else happened.
I am still good at planning, controlling, adjusting, and so on. Actually, I’m quite happy with that too, because it keeps unpleasant surprises away as much as possible. Right?
Drive to develop a competence
Every one experiences something with impact in the first 25 years of life . Sometimes, especially at a very young age, we are unaware of it and condemn ourselves for something that has happened to us. For example: You feel abandoned as, unconsciously, you have a fear (of dying). This again unconsciously triggers a reaction. You condemn yourself by your conclusion: ‘I’m on my own’. You then act with compensatory behaviour, to make sure you never feel this way again. This is how you develop competences in which you yourself are and remain in the lead: for example, you are a good organiser and planner, always looking ahead: at least this way, as a perfectionist, you keep control!
At a certain point in your life, in certain circumstances, compensatory behaviour no longer works. In this example, you are then forced to let go.
Struggling with letting go
You might recognise something in the above example. In any case, I recognise a lot in this! Help!
Over the past few months, this mechanism became increasingly clear to me:
The whole inner process I was going through (by choosing to emigrate) was all about letting go. So I am being trained every day in something I am not good at – letting go.
In the situation with the roof work (read this blog), I first felt of myself that I had let go well: I hadn’t actually interfered with anything after the choice of supplier had been made. There were three (technical) men to whom I could entrust this project. It was a primeur for me, because my comfort zone is: 1) to know and understand every detail and 2) to anticipate hassles. But in the end, I was very disappointed. And I was angry with myself: I should not have let go! And, of course, I was angry at the whole world that kept shouting at me to let go! Why? I had done that after all!?
It caused me a lot of fretting: how on earth should I understand letting go? And what exactly should I do or not do for it? The most common advice I get: “You can do all sorts of things on the front end, but let go of the outcome. “. But, this answer is not satisfactory to me.
Active versus passive
Meanwhile, in 2025, I was also faced with having to let go in my work. By the way, this was not the first time, but as a hard-learner, I get life lessons a bit more often 😉.
Indeed, in my work I also strive for perfection, but combined with the emigration, I got out of my flow. I was especially trying hard to “letting go” and lowering my expectations on myself. Too such an extent that I became so passive that I no longer recognised myself. Was I getting anxious about taking action, under the guise of “letting go”? It started to look like that! Help!
Doing nothing is a mode of control
During a one day course in September 2025 on this topic, I had new insights. “If you are doing nothing, standing still, that is just as much a way of control. After all, you can’t do anything wrong if you do nothing either.”
Oh yes! Question: So how do I get out of the impasse? Answer: Go wild on imperfection!
- Letting go is not the same as doing nothing
- Letting go is not the same as dropping everything
- Letting go is not the same as waving away responsibility
- Letting go is not the same as keeping yourself unconscious
- Letting go is about not doing something versus doing nothing
- Letting go is about living with full awareness: consciously making the choice to do or not to do.
Embracing imperfection
Clue of this story: the training in letting go continues! Getting back on track, but it doesn’t have to be perfect. In the end, the universe makes sure everything is perfect anyway.